I am writing this with red eesm a swollen snuffly nose and a headache right behind my eyes. We’ve had a bit of a week if it, and bug changes are coming my way which I think, I hope, I pray will be good ones for our family, but for which I am entirely unprepared.
Do pour yourself a cup of tea, this story is a bit of a long one.
For many, many reasons, after a lot of research, and a lot of thinking, I decided that school in September was not the right choice for Jessica. As a summer born child, she would be one of the youngest in her class. Legally she doesn’t have to be in school until the term after she turns five, which would be next September.
However the system insists you apply for your school place the October before! and then you can delay or defer with the agreement of the school. The annoying thing was at the time we applied, we could only apply for a school in Chelmsford where we lived, even though we knew we were moving and that she would never go there. (We could have applied for Witham schools but would never have got one as they are offered on a distance from school to home basis).
So we got a place at an outstanding school a short walk away who agreed to a January start. And then, we moved. We updated the schools office every step of the way, sent in proof of our new address the minute we had it (I was literally in my hospital bed sorting it all out) and applied to change school. We were not offered any of our preferred schools, and were given one that troubled me for several reasons, and was a good half hour walk from home.
I didn’t hear anything from them, and when I contacted them to say we wouldn’t be starting until January, they told us that the schools office had told them we had rejected our place…which we hadn’t. Imagine if I hadn’t bothered to contact them and had turned up in January….
Anyway, after more emails and conversations our place was reinstated (a place somewhere no matter how bad is better than no place at all and potentially missing an entire year) although we heard from the school not from ECC.
And then…Monday, yesterday (it feels like a lifetime ago) I heard from our preferred school that we had a place and I needed to accept it with ECC…it is a much nicer school, it gets good results, is much closer and has a real community feel. I was so, so glad to have a place. Only when I phoned to accept, ECC said we didn’t have a place there. Then checked and said we did but they couldn’t offer it until the end of the week,even though school started on Monday.
And then…the school said they wouldn’t hold our place until January…and they would need her to start much sooner….as in Monday. Part time hours to begin with and potentially long term…but…Monday. Not January.
The first thing that happened was that Jessica heard me talking to the schools office and had a huge meltdown, utterly distraught and not wanting to go. She said she wanted to kill herself, which shook me to the core. I don’t think she understood what she was saying, but it hurt me so much to know she was hurting that much.
And then…we visited the school after the children had gone home…and she loved it. Today we have hurried about getting uniform (pinafores, blouses, cardigans, shoes, plimsolls, wellies, book bag, pe bag, coat, the list seemed endless. She is so excited. She goes in Friday afternoon to meet the other children…I am meant to stay but she doesn’t want me there.
And then…tonight…it dawned on me. On Monday she goes to school. Only for half days to begin with, and she can either stay half days for ages or go up to full days…but this time in our lives is over, the every day together all day long. I won’t lie, it has been hard at times, but most if the time it has been wonderful, she is great company and seeing the world through her eyes is amazing. All her questions, her observations, our long morning snuggles in bed, seeing where the day takes us…all gone. I keep thinking back to particularly bad days we have had, and wishing I hadn’t wasted them being cross and short tempered.
I know she will enjoy school and it will be good for her, but oh I am going to miss her. I thought we had four months more together, I was going to soak her up and savour every last bit of her. I think I will be lonely without her. I’ll have Alice and it will be wonderful to have 1:1 time with her, but Jessica chatters away all day long. I won’t have that any more.
I think it is the suddenness, the feeling of loss on top of the loss of so many things of which I have written about here already.
I don’t want her to go. I haven’t changed my mind about any of the reasons why I think 4 is too young, or that the curriculum is far from ideal…but I also feel that a place at this school is too good to pass up.
I am just not ready. The hardest thing is hiding this from her, now she is finally feeling enthusiastic about school I don’t want to put her off. I just want to hold her all day long though, and smell her hair and look at the dark sweep of her eyelashes.
There’s never any time to pause though is there? Tomorrow is Mum’s birthday and we are looking forward to spending the day with her. Thursday I have a sofa being delivered, the locks being changed and the health visitor coming, and it is Jessica’s day to spend with her Nanny. Then Friday afternoon, we go to school, and on Monday we start properly.
I keep thinking of all the activities and ideas I have pinned on pinterest but never got round to doing, of all the ideas I have had which I haven’t made happen. It feels like I have lost my chance now. Our whole lives must be squeezed in between breakfast and the walk to school, the walk home and bedtime, and the weekends. It doesn’t feel long enough at all.
I’m sorry this isn’t a happy post today. But I want this to be a true space, that when I read back these posts in years to come I remember it as it really was.
I have tea, a book (Joanna Trollope) and tissues. I’ll take my headache to bed now. I hope in the morning all these feelings will have receded a little and I can start to feel excited about this new chapter. I just want her all to myself.
Little Sips of Tea 
You wrote: There’s never any time to pause though is there? I’ve pretty much felt that way my entire adult life. I kept thinking tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, I will get a break. That never happened. Life is much like being on a treadmill with no exit. BUT we need not be victims of time. We do have some control. I discovered long ago that time will fill up as much time as we give it. Hence we must steer it, lest it carry us away. We need not be a total slave to it; though it marches on, we do have some power to choreograph our part in the grand march. We may need to shampoo our hair on Friday, but we mostly get to decide what hour we do it, and how quickly or slowly we do it. The bath may need cleaning too. Shall we do it today or tomorrow?.
We can make time serve us to some degree, by managing our time well. But don’t be fooled: doing twice as much today won’t give you any more time tomorrow.
The hours pass, the years come and go and life changes yet remains the same. Be cognizant of the moment, find what pleasure you can, however small, as often as you can.Because this moment in time will never come again. It won’t be the days that you remember, it will be the moments. And those fleeting lovely moments in life will be what sustains you and refreshes you and gives you the will to carry on.
We must run the race and we must finish. On our headstone, will be written the start and finish dates. It’s the dash in between that is our domain.
Looking back, all of the things that I fretted over eventually worked out, and most of what I feared, never came to pass. That which did, I survived, and did so quite well. These days are less demanding, but they still fill up, and I am still never caught up for more than an hour or two or a day or two. C’est la vie.
Such lovely, wise words from Dinahsoar, I completely agree.
My son is 27 now, but I remember those days well. It seemed to me so many parents longed to send the children to school, to have some peace – I always wanted more time with mine. You will develop a routine that you can incorporate your little rituals and fun times into. You have the evenings, the weekends and the wonderful school holidays to fill with lovely times.