Sleep is elusive these days; perhaps it would be more accurate to say the opportunity for sleep is elusive these days. There always seems to be some reason why I can’t come home from dropping Jessica at school and go to bed and try and reclaim some of the sleep which remained out of my grasp the night before. A list of jobs to be done, a baby who isn’t ready to nap, places to be.
Some of the especially bad nights, where I manage perhaps three hours or so leave me reduced and depleted to sleepwalking through the day. It feels like miming my part in a play. I hear my voice as though someone else is speaking the lines.
Other nights, where I am blessed with as much as five hours sleep still leave me tired, but feeling more alive.
It would make sense to do less, as little as possible, the minimum required to see us through. But I can’t. I need to read as surely as I need to breathe, and so I find myself cramming little penny pieces of time with a page or two of whatever I am reading at the time. Always a paper-and-ink book and one on my phone at least – the latter for reading in the dark nighttime feeding hours.
My hands do not want to be still. As well as unpacking from the move and creating our home, preparing meals and cleaning, changing nappies, pushing the pram, dressing a little body, and most importantly holding that sweet baby of mine, they need to be creating.
It is almost as though I have passed through a mirror of tiredness into wonderland, and keeping creating is what is keeping me going, is what is tethering my sense of self (which at times seems to ebb away or teeter out of grasp) to my physical sense.
I have a post I am writing and rewriting in my head, about several powerful pieces of writing I have read recently, which have really changed the way I see myself in the world (for the better) and my creative side. I want to write it properly though, so for now it must wait.
I want to write here more often. I have spent many a walk back from school composing posts in my mind which never quite make it onto the page amidst the busyness of life. I must make it an evening habit to take a few moments to be here. I don’t ever want to forget these days. I am conscious that one day, Jessica and Alice may read this and have an opportunity to know me in a different way. I want to leave them treasures to find, for them to see their lives as they unfolded through my eyes.
Deep thoughts for a dark October evening, but not dark thoughts. I am just very aware as I start to share more of my makings and doings and readings and thoughts that I don’t want anyone to think they should do these things too, or that I am doing them out of anything other than a need to do them, a need to create, and to fill my own cup. I am not here to make anyone feel bad…I just want to share the things which are bringing joy to my days in the hope that they bring some to yours too.