Tomorrow

Day 13….and the Eve of our baby girl’s birthday. I woke up this morning thinking this is the last day if my life I will ever be pregnant. It’s been a hard pregnancy in many ways, although a desperately wanted and gratefully received one. I’ve spent so much of it worrying and fretting that it feels like I have been waiting forever, but also as though I have only just adjusted to the idea of this time it having worked, all at the same time.

I feel nostalgic already. Although I have been ridiculously hot, I’ll miss this bump. I’ll miss the way she wriggles away inside me. Jessica was a kicker and a hiccuper….this baby kind of stretches and squirms more than kicks. She’ll be five whole weeks younger than Jessica was when she was born.

I can’t wait to see her tomorrow, to hold her, to kiss her, to smell her, to see her. But at the same time, I’ll miss that we’ll never be as close again as we are right now.

Jessica came to visit me earlier. She knows next time she sees me, her little sister will be here. It’s a big concept for a four year old. I think one some deep level she knows though…the cuddles were for me today, they were long, deep cuddles. Usually when she visits the cuddles are for her sister rather than me. She spent a lot of time sniffing me too. Part of me wonders if she can smell my milk and remembers it, having fed herself to 26 months.

I nearly cried when she left. I pray and hope it will be fine but there is still a part of me which worries very much that it will all go wrong tomorrow. There is so much left to do, to say, to give to live. 

Before I get maudlin, I will try and think about the joys which lay ahead. I have the sweetest little lavender doll ready for baby, and today she was given a truly beautiful pale pink knitted blanket, which came wrapped in tissue paper with pink butterflies on it, and tied with pink ribbon. A gift from her Nanny. I think in this weather to begin with she will be laying on it rather than under it, but it is lovely to have something tangible here ready for her presence.

We find out tomorrow morning which order we to down to theatre in. Part of me wishes we could put it off forever, but another part of me is impatient to meet her at last.

If all goes to plan, I’ll have a bath later, a last cup of tea, and as early a night as I can manage. It feels like standing on the brink of the edge of the world.