Robbed

I was catching up with an old friend today, and conversation turned to my now sizeable bump and the news we had yesterday about needing a caesarean birth. I heard myself saying that I felt robbed. It made me catch my breath for a moment, as I hadn’t really realised how I feel.

I have been robbed of so much this last year or two. I’ve been robbed of three babies who should be here in my arms, taking their first steps.

I have been robbed of a ‘normal’ pregnancy, this one has featured so much more fear and anxiety than joy, as even now I don’t completely trust we are having a baby.

Because of the eclampsia and miscarriages, I have been robbed of a ‘normal’ package of pregnancy care package. Instead I have had appointment after appointment after appointment. Consultants, midwives, doctors, nurses…so many of them.

It isn’t that I am not grateful for the care because I am. But I would like to not have to fit two or three appointments into one day and miss work and remember which set if notes to take or who wants what from me.

And now…to crown it all, it feels like I have been robbed of the birth that I wanted so very much. I realise how lucky we are to have access to what will be life saving surgery…but I feel robbed.

It is funny how sometimes we don’t know the truths ourselves, and then it comes out if our mouths as though someone else is saying it.