Clouds and Sunbeams

For the first time that I can remember, even from before I came into hospital, I have woken up to cool air coming through the window and clouds in the sky.

From my window here on the fourth floor, I see across a quadrangle courtyard to the other wing if the hospital, and above that the sky. There are clouds this morning, and streaming through them are beams of sunlight. It looks so pretty.

It is the first time I have not put the fan on as soon as I wake up.

Every morning I keep waking up and thinking ‘this is the last Friday I will ever be pregnant*’ and it is a funny feeling. It has been the strangest pregnancy, and yet I already feel nostalgic for not feeling my little baby wriggling and kicking away.

(*as long as our baby arrives safely and is ok, by which I mean alive, not that she has to be perfect, we are not planning on having more children. We always felt two was a good number for us, but were going to revisit the idea a few years down the line. This pregnancy has been so complicated, and I have been warned that the risks would be higher next time that it seems a sensible time to feel that our family is complete. Having lost three babies, the thought of never having another miscarriage again is a welcome one.)

All being well, we hope we will be exchanging contracts on our new home today, completing next Friday. It feels exciting but surreal. It may be, depending on how well I am and how well baby is after the birth that we go home to our new home rather than our old one. Such a strange thought! 

I’ve just made a cup of tea here, they have a trolley with an urn for us to use and for our visitors to use. I have taken to getting up, making my bed, making some tea, listening to radio 4 and waiting for my morning jabs and observations. Every morning and evening they take my temperature and blood pressure and monitor the baby for half an hour or so. I have a jab in my belly to prevent blood clots, and then the whole exercise is repeated in the evening.

I cannot believe this is the start of my tenth day here. It feels like I have been here forever, but at the same time it feels like every day is the same over and over. Sometimes the consultant asks me when I last had blood taken, and I have no idea which day it is let alone which day they last took blood!

I cannot wait for our new home, just to be home, home with our baby, seeing Jessica and Carl every day. Our new home has so many things that will make our life lovelier. There are doors out from the kitchen into the garden, so we could eat our breakfast out there together. The living room is on the middle floor, and the kitchen has a dining area, so we will be eating all our meals at the table downstairs together. We had got into the habit of watching tv on the sofa together while we had dinner. One thug which has been nice here in hospital is having all my meals at this little table which I can either sit at at a chair, or reaches over the bed.

We had started decluttering and reducing the amount of ‘stuff’ we had before we moved, but having a very minimalist existence here makes me realise how little we really need. I won’t be in a hurry to throw everything out, I’ll always have my floral teacups…but I think it will make it easier to decide what I really love and need and what I can let go.


One thought on “Clouds and Sunbeams

  1. Hi Mimi,
    I just wanted to let you know how often I think of you! And each time I try to send up a little prayer that everything goes well! Thank you for letting us know what is happening. I can hardly wait to see pictures of all four of you in your new house!
    Kathy from Colorado USA

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