they I am writing this sitting by Jessica’s bed. She is fast asleep, her head heavy on the pillow, her lips slightly parted, looking for a moment like a baby’s mouth, all heart shaped and squishy. I can hear her soft breathing, and the breeze blowing gently through the window.
I feel at peace today. I sometimes wish I could pin a little piece of now here on the page, to come back to in more fraught moments. The house is still. There is something about a sleeping toddler, starfish hand splayed out, warm and sweet which makes everything feel just right with the world.
We took her to a family fun day in the park today. You paid for a wristband for your child, and then they could go on anything they liked as many times as they liked. There were bouncy castles (she calls these and trampolines bounce-aleens) and roundabouts and a very slow little roller coaster…and she loved it. She jumped up and down with pure excitement that her little body couldn’t contain.
Later, she waited so, so patiently in the face painting queue. At three, patience isn’t her strong point, but then it isn’t meant to be. But for face panting, she will do anything, I believe. Away I came with a little pirate for company.
At home, I have been continuing my decluttering. There has been quite. Abig shift in the living room, and I couldn’t be happier. I finally let go Jessica’s play kitchen. It was so big and she just didn’t play with it. It was a hard decision as it was a gift, and also because I worried that she might grow into it one day…but it was the right thing to do. She now has an art corner with her easel, and then next to it is the rocking chair. Oh, how we all love that rocking chair.
I took a lot of her toys out of their containers and put them into shallow baskets for her. Suddenly they are getting played with so much more.
This was inspired by Waldorf philosophy. I haven’t really written about it here, but Waldorf is a huge influence on my parenting and how I am trying to make our home life. It is based around simplicity, rhythm, giving the children a predictable pattern to their days. On caring for the home together, on stories, on painting, on cooking together. In many ways e mind of childhood many of us enjoyed, but modern life seems to be changing.
I read blogs like Frontier Dreams and Bending Birches and I try and move a little closer to my ideal every day. Baby steps, baby steps, and we will get there.
I can hardly believe that Jessica could go to school next year. I haven’t decided if she will yet. She just seems so…little.
I am reading Long Live Great Bardfield, which is the autobiography of artist Tirzah Garwood, who happened to be married to Eric Ravilious. She writes so beautifully, and I am glad that it is a good thick book, it is the kind you don’t want to end.
I am also reading Excellent Women by Barbara Pym…and having devoured everything of hers, suddenly I am struggling with his one. I suspect I should not keep it for bedtime, as I fall asleep after a few pages, which isn’t really long enough to get into it properly.
I a pm going downstairs for a solitary cup of tea now (Carl is out this evening). There is something rather pleasurable about brewing a pot of tea just for yourself. Sitting and sipping, and contemplating. Maybe some crochet later. But I am finding it hard to tear myself away from watching Jessica’s chest rise and fall as she sleeps. Part of me and yet separate from me…fascinating.
I read an article recently which said recent medical research shows that cells from the baby cross the placenta into the mother, and some infintesimally tiny parts stay…so it feels amazing to think that even in a microscopic level, some part of her is with me even when we are apart…and perhaps a tiny part of the one we lost, too. She will have a name soon. It came to me the other day, what to call her…but having suggested it to Carl I said I would give it a week or so to see if anything better comes to either of us. When I know, I will share.
Oh, and for another day too, I have been feeding a sourdough starter ready to experiment with sourdough baking. Huge thanks to the lovely Annastasia for the starter and the wonderful flour.
Love, Mimi xxx