We’ve had a lovely weekend…..we had a wonderdul impromptu dinner with friends on Friday, Jessica went to a fairy party on Saturday, and stayed for eurovision and a thai takeaway. We’ve had a gentle family day today with lunch out and playing in the garden and afternoon naps.
But sitting in the dark waiting for Jessica to fall asleep I feel sorrow pricking at my eyelids. Somewhere Over The Rainbow came on her new lullaby cd which was played as we left my Aunt’s funeral. I have friends dealing with bereavement, and next month brings joy with Jessica’s birthday, but sadness with my first Father’s Day since Dad died, and the day the baby I lost was due.
And so I feel heart heavy tonight. How instinctive it is to smile and say no, I am fine thanks. But I am trying to teach Jessica about her emotions and in doing so, am teaching myself about mine. So rather than pushing it aside, brushing it off, I am letting the rain fall. I’ll gentle myself with a light supper and an early night. I’ll let myself feel this, and then I will move on.
For there is so much that is good in life. Family and friends, a toddler in fairy wings and eyes shining with pure joy that she had won a packet of sweeties. A pot of tea and a Barbara Pym novel. A double yolked egg. The Persephone Biannually. Clicking knitting needles, radio 4. All the little things, scattered through life like april raindrops.