How Are You?

aHow are you is an innocent enough question, but one I dread these days. I have to decide. Shall I tell you what you want to hear? Shall I tell the truth? Shall I just say ‘fine, thanks!’ brightly, and feel terrible that I am not acknowledging the truth?

There isn’t an easy way to decide. If I say I am fine, I think people know from looking at me that I am not  alright. If I tell them why I am not alright, it is hard for them to know what to say.

It is exhausting, the constant judging and weighing up. How much to share, how much not to share. 

Two weeks ago, I lost my baby. 

Simple words which can never convey the pain. Miscarriage encapsulates a range if experiences, but it all boils down to the same thing. You were pregnant, now you are not.

We went to a and e as I had started to bleed. They do nothing at the weekend beyond ask a lot of questions and take blood. They told me to go back in three days for an ’emergency’ scan to see if my baby had died or not. I was incredulous. They wanted me to walk around for three days not knowing if my baby was dead or alive?

Sadly the next night I knew I had lost my baby when I physically miscarried. They didn’t tell me what would happen. It was awful, and will haunt me forever.

So here I am. I should have been planning to share the news of our new baby this week, but instead I am in my second week of learning to live with having lost it. 

While both my sister-in-laws and six of my closest friends are pregnant.

While a girl from my NCT group announced on Monday she is pregnant and due the week I was.

After a year of trying.

There isn’t anything to say. I am having to keep going with every day life for a variety of reasons. Given half a chance I would go to bed and stay there for a few weeks.

Joy has been drained from everything. I feel like I have lost more than my baby.

I want my baby back so much. 

So that is why I haven’t been here as planned. I have written and deleted this post several times. I am trying to work past the bitterness, anger and hurt. I am trying to find a space where I can heal.

I have declared that 2017 will be the year of me trying to recover my sparkle.

For now I am faced with trying to organize Christmas and make it wonderful for Jessica, when all I want to do is hide away. I am not making Christmas cards this year. I usually love it but I just haven’t the heart for it. 

Earl grey is my medicine of choice at the moment. I drink it hoping to find salvation in the bottom of my teacup. I haven’t, yet. Soon, please, soon.

3 thoughts on “How Are You?

  1. I’m so sorry about for your loss. You’re right, words do little to either soothe or explain grief. All people can do is say ‘we’re there for you’. I know what you mean about the NHS and it’s only set to get worse, sadly. I hope that you manage to find some peace, if only through the joy of Jessica.

    Sending good thoughts your way xx

  2. I’m soooo sorry. Words are inadequate to express my sadness for your loss. A silent hug and a prayer are winging their way to you, across the miles. Hang onto hope; the loss will remain forever but grace when received will flow like a river, a healing balm yielding peace that defies understanding. Pain and loss are not easy to endure. You are in the season of waiting and wondering and longing and questioning. Grieving is normal, do not try to bypass it. It takes time to process the grief. You are broken, in pieces now. In time you will be whole. But it takes time.

    As for your NHS, that would not happen here. You would have known immediately if your baby was alive and you would have known what would follow. I’m sorry you had to endure what you did.

  3. So terribly sorry to hear of your loss. Words mean little in the light of what’s gone. I will be praying for you and that you will find some joy in this Christmas season. Wishing brighter days for you.

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