I spent yesterday morning on a course called ‘Building Individual Resilience’ and found it really insightful and useful. Before the course, I completed a questionnaire with the company Robertson Cooper, and it produced a personalised report. I found it striking how well it reflected me at this moment in time. The useful thing is that it looks at your ‘tendencies’ in different areas, and suggests how they may be helping or hindering you, and what you might want to work on. They offer a free report on their website, and I would really recommend it. http://www.robertsoncooper.com/how-we-do-it/our-products/i-resilience-free-report
The thing that jolted me slightly, and gave me pause for thought was that I realised just how closely my self-worth, personality and life are becoming tied up with my job and my work. Those of you who have been with me a while will know that I was made redundant several years ago and it shook me to my core. I realised that I have started to drift towards that place where I am so tied up with what I do that I am losing who I am.
I think being pregnant has magnified this – I am so tired that mostly I come home from work quite late because I have been busy, have some dinner, wash up, go to bed, get up and begin again. Sometimes it feels like I trip on a Monday, and somehow fall into Thursday.
And yet this is a wonderful time in my life, I am so, so blessed to be having a baby. I have a wonderful husband. This is a kind of pause between our old life of it being two, and our new life which we are so excited for. So I wondered, am I treating myself as well as I could be, am I savouring this between-time, am I preparing for parenthood? I have read a lot about how you can feel you have lost your identity when you become a mother – and can’t help but wonder how much worse that will be if I have already lost my identity to work?
I looked in the mirror the other day and realised I look pale. I look pale because I have not worn red lipstick for a while. My fingernails and toenails are not painted red. I am clean and tidy…but I am not me.
And so I am starting a gentle reawakening of what it means to be me. I have painted my nails, and I wore lipstick to work. Superficial maybe, but I feel like me again a little more. I found it hard to sleep last night, and while I was waiting for sleep to come, I started to think about what I like, what brings me joy, what I need to do to be me. I made a promise to myself, and my baby, to start concentrating on joy and to bring myself back to life again. I feel like I have been made out of tracing paper these past few months.
So tonight, I had a bath, and read my book. I am listening to the most soothing music I know – the link below should take you to it on youtube. It is music accompanied by wolf song, and it carries you along on a gentle drift. It is much more beautiful than it sounds…
I am going to read ‘Puttery Treats For Cosier Mornings’ on my beloved Brocante Home, and then I am going to warm myself a glass of milk and sip it slowly before taking a hot water bottle to bed for an early night. Before I go to sleep, I will think of some of the little things that have brought me joy recently…
- An email from the lovely Carla at Ducking Fabulous
- An email from the equally lovely Midori Green
- A glimpse of a huge moon in a dark sky, just the other side of full, luminous and almost hypnotic
- The gentle, faint, early stirrings and flutterings of my baby
- A flaky almond croissant tender and sweet
- Candlelight glowing through my ceramic owl nightlight
- Remembering the violet scented handcream in my comfort drawer
- The lovely comments on my pregnancy post here – thanks ladies!
- Wish Upon A Star, the latest Trisha Ashley novel
- Always, always Carl.
- A trip to the zoo, just the two (well, three!) of us, spending some time together
Wishing you all a peaceful evening, and that you never lose sight of yourselves,