Good evening everyone!
I have been lucky enough to enjoy yet another cosy Sunday (breakfast with my lovely husband, a walk home in the cold bringing the newspaper with us, a headscarf on while we did the housework, then pots of tea and Poirot and the papers and now Harry Potter in the audiobook format) but this evening I find myself just a little blue.
You see, I have discovered that the temporary job I started last week is not going to be feasible for me to carry on after the contract ends at the end of March. I won’t bore you too much, but at work our pay structure is in bands, and the job I was made redundant from was a band 4, the one I am left with is a 3. And the one I am doing now, that I am enjoying and had hoped to apply for permanently is only a 2. On one hand you could argue that some job is better than no job, but I just can’t afford to work for that. It would take me back to the band I joined at, 11 years ago.
And so I have been searching for jobs online again. I still don’t know what I want to do. One friend wisely said ‘but why do you need to do that? Just see what there is, and choose something!’ but there is so much out there. So many jobs that are just dregs.
I feel so much like I have been left at the train platform, and everybody else has moved on. Most of the people who were made redundant along with me have started their own businesses. Carl has been made redundant and found a new job in the same time that I have been trying to work out what to do next. It isn’t fair on him, although I know he would support me as long as he needed to without a word of complaint. But ultimately, we want to buy a house, we want children, and every day I drift along I feel like it is drifting further and further out of our grasp.
It isn’t as if I am not willing to work, and work hard. It is just that I really and honestly truly cannot see the wood for the trees out there. Another kind friend has put me in touch with a contact she has in a recruitment firm, so I have sent off my cv, but am aware that it is very quiet out there.
I just wish, so much that this was all over. I know that the waiting time is good for us, that we are given things and situations for a reason, but really, I am tired now. I don’t want to have to explain to one more person my complicated working situation. I am fed up with working odd jobs and hours here and there and still not taking home a decent wage.
I am utterly sad about it all, and I just don’t know what the magic answer is. I wish I knew. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow, but I don’t know. Everyone else seems to just know what they want to do. I try and take heart from knowing so many people who have had several diverse careers in their working life. That maybe one day I will be giving an interview in my new career, and people will be surprised to hear that I did 11 years in library ‘before’. I know now that all of this, the career that I loved so much and thought was for life is the ‘before’ but I don’t what the after is, or how much longer the wait between the two will be.
I know what not to do…I see so many people making mistakes. In my job I have seen poorly spelled CVs printed out in their dozens to be handed out to anyone who will take one, and many that do not want to take one. I know that you need to tailor your cv to the job, NOT WRITE IT ALL IN CAPITALS and spell check! I know that you need to apply for an actual job rather than trawl round the shops with no discrimination, handing in a cv ‘just in case’. I see all the mistakes and my heart goes out to those people putting in so much effort, knowing that it is unlikely they will get much return on it. But knowing what not to do, alas does not mean that you know what TO do.
I don’t like posting gloomy posts here. But this is my virtual tea table as it were, and as much as I love to raise a tea-cup in celebration, sometimes you need a soothing cup of tea in consolation too. Ceylon is my choice for this evening. The Twinings box that I have is black with a blue design on it. That is rather how I am feeling, black and blue.
So tea here is my first consolation, and then a shower, rinsing my worries down the plug-hole. Then finally going to bed with clean hair, and clean sheets. And hopefully waking up tomorrow with a cheerier frame of mind.
Some cheery things, before I forget! I am knitting a sparkly polar bear for the Noah’s Ark set. I have just spent a Christmas amazon gift voucher on some books about afternoon tea. I have devoured the Dorothy Whipple just reprinted by Persephone, Greenbanks. I have a new dress (all my clothes are literally wearing out and falling apart. I have been sales shopping, and bought several dresses for work at £10 each. Have discovered that curiously, I am happy to spend that on dresses, but remarkably reluctant to spend on tights and similar! Wonder what that says about me?) Also we are having friends in tomorrow evening, to celebrate Chinese New Year belatedly.
Sorry I haven’t been about much, I will be catching up a bit more this week, and replying to comments and emails. I hope that wherever you are, peace pours from your teapot and happiness is in your heart