Can you hear my kettle boiling? I often miss the whistling of my old kettle, but am coming to appreciate the soft and rapid bubbling of my new electric kettle. When I have a gas hob again, I will definitely be dusting off the whistling kettle….but for now the electric kettle is suiting us well. It is something of a revelation to have boiling water within a minute or so of wanting it!
And I am afraid to say that this afternoon I was in need of a cup of tea to soothe the soul. Although the interview did not go badly, actually, they said it was good….there was someone better. So no job. On one hand it is nice to know that I did not embarass myself, but I can’t help feeling that if you don’t have a job it doesn’t matter if the interview went terribly, not too badly or rather quite well….you still don’t have a job!
I know that in the future months I may well look back at this and think about how silly I was to be feeling so melodramatic, and hopefully I will be looking back from the vantage point of having a fabulous new job that I love, that will make me wonder why I stayed so long in what I am doing now, but it is so hard to see how that day will come about. I am now, frankly, feeling terrified. In a little over a month, I will be employed only 17 hours a week, and that is just not enough for me to get by on. Of course my lovely husband can help out in the short term, but in the long term we both need to be working, and I feel bad, like my failing at work shouldn’t cost him money he works so hard to earn. I feel like I am grasping at straws, casting about for any idea of what to do.
I am not proud about what I do. Essentially I need to keep the money coming in, but I also would love to work at something that I believe I make a difference somehow in. That is one of the reasons why I have loved working in libraries so much.
I keep getting told that I have to put on a brave face at work and play the game…but frankly, in this moment I just dont want to. I want to cry and shout and scream, I want to smear my makeup all over my face and cry and show them how bruised and battered I am feeling. I want to not go into work, to lay in bed, to curl in a ball, to burn with anger and just stop being the grownup.
But I won’t do that…I can’t remember which silver screen star said it, but one of them did…’that just isn’t showbizz’ and while I know this isnt showbizz…I do believe that we are all stars of our own stages. So I pour a cup of tea, have my quiet cry, despair at ever hearing anything other than ‘we are sorry, you weren’t successful this time’ put on my red lipstick and try again. Its just it feels awfully scary when it appears that the glitter has worn off your sparkle, the diamonds are turning to paste…
But I won’t go on. I don’t want this to be an unhappy place for me or for anybody who is kind enough to stop by to read my little writings. So, things to cheer:
1) I have a cup of tea and a ‘spiced and iced’ bun from Marks and Spencer, surely a combination to salve sore souls.
2) I am crocheting with the most amazingly soft dove grey alpaca yarn from a company called Drops. I had not heard of them before, but I will be buying from them again. It is an apple cosie to match the covers of Persephone books!
3) There is a vintage fayre on tomorrow, just five minutes from work, so I shall pop in on my tea break.
4) I have taken up doing 10 minutes of yoga in the morning, which makes me feel….good.
5) I have an audio book to listen to whilst I crochet.
6) Blog friends old and new.
7) I am off to Henley Regatta next week….so adventures to look forward to.
Thank you for listening, and wherever you are, I hope your teapot is always full of good cheer!